Spending Big

This is a post I wrote on the 23rd August 2009.

I had forgotten it was there and since there have been further developments I thought I would post it so you can read the whole story:

Mr L & I have been looking to get a house! We want to live together in a house that belongs to the both of us and this weekend we put down an offer.

It feels scary to commit myself to something so huge! I am an adult. When did that happen?

Sure I have other loans and debts but buying a house is one of the biggest investments one will make in their lifetime. I have come to that fork in the road. It is the point where I have to ask myself, “Where will I be in 5 or 10 years time?”

So we put the offer down and the sellers have accepted it! Now to mobilise the banks and the broker. People have to start earning their money now!! 

 Fingers crossed… this is a big moment for me!

When Things are Just Not What They Seem!

I’m working out of the office, out on site with no management to speak of! So what is a girl to do?

Internet Shopping!

So I’ve been browsing the fashion websites and have had my eyes on this dress from French Connection.

I saw the picture below and I knew this cut/ style would be flattering to my figure.

It’s essentially a short-sleeved Kaftan gathered at the waist. Yesterday I almost walked out of the office in the middle of the afternoon to go and buy it.

So today at lunch I hot-footed it down to the store and as its a new arrival, it wasn’t even on display yet and they had to go and find it out from the storage room.

It was completely transparent! The cotton felt think and looked cheap. It wasn’t even a nice white colour but an off-white trying to pass for white! It would look nice over some bathers but I wanted to wear it out during the day to coffee or shopping or a picnic with some gold sandals, however it would look totally indecent anywhere away from the beach! And I don’t want a dress that I have to wear a slip under as it gets rather hot in summer and I don’t want to have to add on more layers!

From French Connection I was expecting some crisp, white, good quality cotton.

Must say I was not too impressed… My little rant for today!

Failing at achieving a balance…

Its is 3.11pm on Sunday the 9th August 2009.

I am at Mr L’s house doing work! Work that needs to be completed for my job on Monday!

I have a very strict view that your job should only consume 40hrs of the week. It should not spread out into “me” time or “our” time (with Mr L).  I do not get paid to do the extra work. I am on a salary – and a low salary at best!

So why am I doing it….. because I have a sense of responsibility! Although I really do just feel like saying “F*$@ it” and walk away from the laptop and spending time with Mr L and Archie.

Getting back into it!

It has been a while since I have written a blog… I’ve been laying low.

Reading back on my blogs I recall the past few months and realise its been a tough year. I found myself in position that felt like I had taken so many steps back I didn’t know how or when I would ever be able to find my way back. Everything I had been working so hard to achieve in my personal life fell down around my feet… that part of my life shattered! Today the scars are faint but still visible. A part of me broke. I changed. I became insecure!

Today Mr L and I are together and its good. It’s great! The Mr L that I fell in love with is back. I notice the changes in him. It was this Mr L that made me stay… made me work and work and work for this relationship! It was this side of Mr L that I knew I had to fight for. The Mr L that is affectionate, funny and loving. The Mr L that wants to make plans and speaks of our future. The Mr L that helpful and attentive and most importantly the Mr L that makes me feel loved.

The icy insecurity is melting…

I can see a future again and I’m excited!!

I have a Timeline again! After months of feeling lost I feel like I found the path again!

I am in love

Dream, Dream Dream Dream…

I had the oddest/ unsettling dream! Maybe you guys can help me decipher it….

As you both know Mr. L and I are planning to go to Europe next year…

I dreamt that it was over 5 years from now and I had returned from overseas. (I had decided not to return to Perth at the end of our holiday and instead decided to stay… hence leaving Mr. L to return to Perth on his own without me.)

I dreamt that I returned from living overseas for a few years and looked him up, as in the dream I wanted to take things up where we left them.

I drove to his address and found that he lived near me – in an area where I want US to get a house.

So when I arrived I found out that he was now married and had a young son. I was invited to stay for dinner and we sat there chatting. Our closeness/familiarity/affection was grinding on his wife’s nerves (as I was the ex) so he suggested he take out the bins and made it clear that I followed him so we could talk away from his wife.

I realised that I was hurt that he had moved on and all our dreams had been realised – except with her & not me. I was also angry with him for picking her because she was so wrong with him (I have always thought that Mr. L & I work coz we are opposites – extrovert vs. introvert, dreamer vs. realist etc)… she didn’t compensate for his weaknesses… she didn’t make him laugh etc. I then realised he was unhappy but had followed through with everything I (me) wanted – he had fulfilled OUR dreams. I pointed this out and his reply was “even though you left, you have always been the voice inside my head!”  – That hurt & even writing this it still hurts and I don’t know why!

During this conversation his son came out of the house to be with his dad. Mr. L ignored him and seemed uninterested in the things his son was showing him, even though the boy was calling “Dad, Dad!!” I realised Mr. L was unhappy… that he settled!!….. and that seeing me return also hurt him!

I remember wishing that boy was my son and that Mr. L was his dad!

But I also remember not regretting staying in Europe as I had gained so much and grown and LIVED but now that I wanted to settle down I realised that maybe I had missed the boat! and it HURT!

This dream is floating around in my head and it’s left me feeling hurt and oddly upset and confused…

Confusion, Insecurity, Fear!

There is a black stone in my chest weighing me down and making it harder to breath. It makes my chest feel tight and it feeds on my energy. I let it sit there because it’s better than the alternative. This one causes me less pain. 

This stone is bearable – the other is not.

 Unless things change however, a broken heart is inevitable. I can’t live with a stone in my chest forever, a stone formed by confusion, insecurity and fear.

 I no longer trust him and no longer expect anything. I am trying to distance myself so the pain is not so great later. Every bone in my body tells me this is not right. My common sense and rationality argue with my heart to let him go.

 The thought of leaving him makes my heart ache. I can feel it hurting already. But I’m not ready.

 I love him too much.

 He confuses me. “I love you” “I don’t love you enough!”

 I feel insecure.

 I feel afraid. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of staying with him. Afraid of letting him go. Afraid of letting this go too far and not being able to turn back.

 

We work so well

 

We don’t work at all

 

We laugh

 

We cry

 

We learn

 

We are partners

 

We are lovers

 

We are best friends

When it rains, it pours… literally!

Gosh… I got drenched today!

My dad & I took our 3 dogs out for a walk this evening despite it being windy and cold freezing! On our way down to the park along Perth’s Swan River we took care to dodge puddles and stay off the damp grass.  My 7 month old puppy Archie went to the groomers yesterday and so today was clean, clipped and smelling lovely so I tried to avoid any wetness on our walk.

We were just about to turn back when my dad commented that we should hurry because it looked like it would start raining soon. He hadn’t even completed the sentence when I felt a drop hit my face. Then another and another. We were in the middle of a huge oval with a 10-15min walk back to our house. In my mind I thought, “oh, its only light, we should be fine.” The drops however got heavier and more frequent. Within 15 seconds it started to pour! That rain where the drops are large and feel as though they are being forced to the ground with high speeds… they were stinging my face where they hit.

We called our dogs loudly to get there attention and started running towards some trees (a good 500m away!!) My parents’ dogs are 10 years old and small. A 500m run would be hard, especially for little lil’ D (Dylan). In the rain he was running hard to keep up with us and so I stopped and called him to me, where I picked him up and ran the rest of the way with him in my arms. Poor little D would have found the ride quite bouncy!

Little Archie had never been caught in the rain before and was frightened. It didn’t help that his mummy was running away from him while he was getting all wet. (I was trying to get myself and them under the trees as soon as possible.

Once we were under the safety of the trees, I called my sister to come and pick up 2 very wet adults and 3 very wet dogs… and made sure she brought towels with her.

I think this is definitely one of Murphy’s Law – “It will always rain hardest when you are furtherest from shelter.”